Wilford Kong (Donkey Kong hack)This review assumes a working knowledge of Wilford Brimley. If you are Wilford Brimley deficient it is advised that you watch these wacky videos.
Wilford Kong might be my new favorite Nintendo game. The solid game play of Donkey Kong and the grandfatherly presence of Wilford Brimley go together like ‘diabeetuss’ and chocolate, or maybe Quaker Oats and regular bowel movements. Wilford Kong’s plot, as far as I can tell, is basically that Wilford’s blood sugar is low, causing him to act erratically. He becomes overly concerned about Mario’s oatmeal consumption. Wilford steals Mario’s girl, forcing Mario to endure an awesome fiber gauntlet to get her back. As you climb up Wilford’s scaffolding he drops sentient bowls of uncooked oatmeal down upon you, which catch on fire when they hit the steel drum at the bottom. It is right out of a nightmare I’ve been having for over twenty years in which I wake up at my grandfather’s house and head downstairs for breakfast. When I get there the dining room is dark and my grandfather is huge and actually Wilford Brimley. He hands me a giant cooking spoon and tells me that since it’s his house I can get my oatmeal one of two ways: raw or on fire.
In the end Mario breaks Wilford’s scaffolding, sending him crashing to the ground where he appears to die, which is arguably harsh treatment for someone who is clearly in diabetic shock.
But still, Wilford Kong for you. It’s the right thing to do.
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