Q*bert
Fuck The North American Video Game Crash Of 1983. I used to play the shit out of Q*bert on my old Atari 5200, but after my generation’s version of the Great Depression Q*bert was more or less relegated to a steady series of mediocre ports, like this one. Seriously Reagan, where the shitfuck was Q*bert’s New Deal?
Q*bert is the fairly straight-forward adventure of a funny little hose-face that hops around on a pyramid of cubes that is shooting through outer space while being assaulted by all manner of little critters, who are named Coily, Red Balls, Ugg, Wrong-Way, Green Balls, Slick, and Sam. His goal is to get the tops of all of the cubes to match up in color. His goal is so abstract, and his methods so aggressive and militant that it is actually kind of hard to think of him as a hero. Slick and Sam are also able to change the colors of the tops of the cubes, and when they do Q*bert stomps them into submission, his motto apparently being “the nail that sticks up gets the hammer.” Whenever anything get in the way of Q*bert matching up all of the colors he also lets loose a torrent of profanity. The overall effect is that you end up feeling less like you are on a worthy mission and more like you are trying to alleviate the suffering of someone with a debilitating case of Obsessive-compulsive disorder. This is actually alright with me, as video games have always been a good outlet for my own OCD.
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