Ice Hockey
The Northwest Passage is a sea route through the Arctic Ocean. Explorers spent hundreds of years trying to find a way through the route in an attempt to keep the price of stealing the gold, spices, and assorted whatnot of other countries down. Many of these attempts ended with the ships stuck in the ice, all of the men on board slowly starving to death. The good news is that one Roald Amundsen finally navigated the motherfucker in the early 1900’s, allowing everyone to walk away while still saving face on centuries of having Mother Nature hand them their collective ass.
What does this have to do with Nintendo’s Ice Hockey? Apparently global warming has opened up the Northwest Passage, and there is an international conflict as to who owns it. Canada has laid claim to it, as it winds all up through their shit. The US, who doesn’t even acknowledge global warming, maintains that the Passage is an international strait and has been known to navigate their nuclear submarines around it in a clear display of dick waving. I would hate for this dispute to amount to a civil war between the US and its own 51st state, so we’ll be settling this like gentlemen with a game of Ice Hockey, the only thing Canada appears to be good at.
I’ve tried to choose players that are representative of the respective countries. The Americans are fat enough that they vaguely resemble the SUVs they are so bullish on. The Canadians are thin, but pale and unaccustomed to the light.
I’m not even going to give a proper play-by-play; this shit got nasty as soon as the puck hit the ice. The Americans slowly roamed the rink, with little coordination of their efforts. Every time a Yank came in contact with one of those husky, syrup-hugging, maple-leaf-smoking, igloo-cowering, frog-sheltering Canucks the little bastard was sent careening across the ice.
Zamboni!
At 8-0 it was a total shutout, much like the Great American-Canadian War of 1978.
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