Gun.Smoke
Man. I didn’t initially notice the period in ‘Gun.Smoke’, so when I mounted this sweet little filly I thought I was going to be playing a cheap cash-in on the license for the television show ‘Gun Smoke’. I had no idea how rich and original the adventure I was about to embark on was. Let me set the stage for you:
Bam. There are exactly two continents in which this effing epic could be taking place. “Hey Dusty, does Gun.Smoke take place in Asia?” No. Kiss my grits, asshole. Anyway, the story continues: “The year was 1849, In the small town called Hicksville where the pioneers worked hard during the gold rush era. One day a group of outlaws known as the Wingates came into town, killed the sheriff and took over the town. The Wingates raided the town everyday and terrified the people in Hicksville. Then came a lone gunman, in the windy afternoon with a sunset behind him to save the town to save the people of Hicksville from the Wingates” I have to give whoever translated this bonus points for the wholesale botchery of Wild West clichés. You would expect the protagonist to be a lone gunslinger who rides off into the sunset. What you get is a lone gunman who comes into town when it gets dark. How fucking sinister is that? He could be Lee Harvey Oswald’s great grandfather. Our hero aside, the rest of the description grievously undersells the fucking batshit insanity you are about to embark on. For starters, the ‘group of outlaws’ is a loose affiliation of groups of thousands of cowboys, Australians, magic Native Americans, ninjas, cyborgs and Mexicans led respectively by these Mother Teresa fuckers:
Now, clearly, these people have got to go. I’m not going to argue with the lone gunman’s goals, but his method (singular) is to indiscriminately kill every poor sumbitch that gets in his path, and loot their corpses. And that’s before they kill his horse. After that it gets bad. His fury is so great that he has a hard time telling the difference between the outlaws and the wee Hicks of Hicksville, who are forced to beg for their lives.
Fortunately, this story has a happy ending: “Gunman who arrived with a sunset into the town of Hicksville has defeated the Wingates. His braveness and skill has saved this town. Long after the gunman has left the town, people in Hicksville still remembers one brave gunman. The beautiful sunset still reminds the people of one brave gunman and how he saved the town of Hicksville.” This passage is so broken and repetitious that it’s almost lyrical.
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