Duck Tales

Normally I try not to get offended by video games, because what’s the point? Amiright? Occasionally I do find a game that is so egregious that I actually feel dirty playing it. Watching a shy friend relentlessly beat a prostitute with a baseball bat in Grand Theft Auto III is one example. Duck Tales is another.

You play as Scrooge McDuck, the wealthiest duck in the world. You have 3 nephews and a niece, Huey, Dewey, Louie, and Webby.  I like to call them George W., Georgie W., Georgia W., and Jebby. They are pretty much little trust fund monsters, jet-setting around the world and getting into tight spots that you have to rescue them from. The game opens with Scrooge sitting in his undisclosed location, in front of his 30 foot high blinged-out computer, deciding where to go. The Amazon is as good a place to start as any.

 

So here you are, a white duck. You fly down to the Amazon and physically assault the natives with your cane/pogo stick and strip mine the place of rare jewels and tasty deserts. And it’s not a Disney product until the brown natives start chucking spears at you.

Then it’s off to Transylvania, where you rob graves.

Then, I wish I was making this up, you head down to the “African Mines”. There you are accosted by dark-feathered mallards that apparently have a problem with you stealing a key to their diamond mines and laying waste to everything in your path.

Not even the Flying Himalayan Fuzz Beast is safe from the cane of white duck hegemony.

Not even the fucking Moon is safe! The moon is guarded by aliens, which put up a little more fight than the impoverished masses of the Amazon and the African Mines, so you’ll need a little help. Luckily, you’ve imprisoned another duck in a robot suit, and after you figure out where you left his remote control you can force him to be your duck slave.

You actually get greedy to the point where you are stealing everything that isn’t nailed down. A Moon Mouse’s green Moon Cheese! The hubris!

All Land Clear! Scrooge remains the richest duck in the world! Good for you!

Your adventure ends right where it began, with your creepy little trust fund brats jockeying for a hand out.

Duck Tales

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